Q&A: Raga-marga and family life - Do the two go together?

Q: Do raga-marga and family life go together? It seems to me that there is much emphasis on renunciation, and I can practically see, as a householder, that especially with children it is often hard to focus on wholesome sadhana.

A: This question may certainly awaken as one reflects on the long traditions of vairagi-mahatmas in Vraja, and as one then comes across sayings in the scriptures that emphasize renunciation and seem averse to family life.

In addressing this, let us first establish the foundation: The nature of bhakti. How many times has devotion been described as apratihata (unobstructed) and avyavahita (uninterrupted), and how many times has the supreme independence of devotion been glorified? Can devotion, then, be dependent on external circumstances? Has it not been said, jIvanti san-mukharitAM bhavadIya-vArtAm sthAne sthitAH (BhP 10.14.3): "Staying in your place, filling your life with narrations of the Lord heard from the saints' mouths..."

Devotion cannot, therefore, be in a subordinate position to one's external position in life: Rather, it will reign supreme in any situation of life.

One is shackled to this world by the family and the children only as long as love for Krishna has not awakened:

tAvad rAgAdayaH stenAs tAvat kArA-gRhaM gRham |
tAvan moho ’Gghri-nigaDo yAvat kRSNa na te janAH || bhp 10.14.36

"O Krishna! As long as people do not become your devotees, so long do attachments and so forth remain thieves, so long is one's home a prison cell, and so long is one shackled by illusion at the family's feet."

Visvanatha Cakravartipada offers an illuminating commentary on this verse, consisting of a lengthy response to the objection that some renunciates may present, suggesting that the residents of Vraja are but ordinary householders, bound by a network of attachment:

"Yes. That is true for most worldly householders. However, what to speak of the householders of Vraja, even your ordinary devotees in other places are superior to these renounced critics. . . .

"O Krishna! As long as people do not receive the mercy of your devotees and become your followers, they remain in this position. However, when they become your devotees, they develop attachment for bhakti and aversion to things obstructing bhakti, and then repose all their love in you. In this way, the thieves of material attraction, hatred and love become sanctified by becoming fixed in you, and then help the devotee by giving him spiritual bliss, knowledge and a host of advantages.

"In that way the same home, which was once a prison cell created by favorable and contrary karmic reactions, becomes for the devotee a place filled with service to you by hearing and chanting your glories, and by a host of other activities meant to please you. These activities carry one to your eternal abode."

Then, renouncing one's spouse and children is not a pre-requisite for following raga-marga! The stage of anisthita-bhajana (unsteady worship) at which such speculations arise is called vyUdha-vikalpA (parading possibilities) in Visvanatha Cakravarti's Madhurya-kadambini (3.10); in this section, the author goes on to present at some length the devotee's speculations on whether to renounce or to remain with the family. A very significant aspect of this section is the total absence of any conclusion on whether one ought to renounce or not – it does not seem to make any difference whatsoever to the author.

The path of bhakti is not one of acceptance and rejection; it is one of transformation. Let us remind ourselves of Rupa Gosvami's two famous verses on vairagya (BRS 1.2.255–256):

anAsaktasya viSayAn yathArham upayuJjataH |
nirbandhaH kRSNa-sambandhe yuktaM vairAgyam ucyate || 1.2.255

"Being detached from objects of enjoyment while using them in an appropriate way in relationship with Krishna is known as befitting renunciation."

The magic, then, is in forging a relationship between the world and a life of devotion, connecting the dots and making one's whole life with all it entails spiritually meaningful. On the other hand:

prApaJcikatayA buddhyA hari-sambandhi-vastunaH |
mumukSubhiH parityAgo vairAgyaM phalgu kathyate || 1.2.256

"The rejection of objects with a relationship to Hari by a seeker of mukti, who considers them worldly objects, is known as worthless renunciation."

Do not be led astray by immature renunciation, then! By doing so, you would only hamper your own devotional growth.

Narottama Das Thakur Mahasaya, a great renunciate himself, taught us the proper spirit:

gRhe vA vanete thAke, hA gaurAGga bole DAke,
narottama mAge tAra saGga ||

"Whether at home or in the forest, if one calls out, 'Ha Gauranga!' – Narottama longs for his company."

How could he have said anything less? After all, his dear companion, Srinivasa Acarya, was a father to six beautiful children: Vrindavan, Radha-Krishna, Gati-govinda, Hemalata, Krishnapriya and Kancana-latika. No less was Rasikananda, the foremost among Syamananda's disciples, who had three sons with Syamadasi – Radhananda, Krishna-Govinda and Radha-Krishna. There is no scarcity of householders with children among Mahaprabhu's companions and the following generations of illustrious Gaudiya saints and sadhakas.

In my own parampara, there is a a whole lineage of householders, and indeed over the first six generations it is specifically a vamsa, or a family lineage – and this is a trend that is present practically throughout the broad Gaudiya tradition. There is no lack of precedents in this regard.

"That's all fine in principle", says the skeptic – "But surely a householder with children can't allocate sufficient time for sadhana!"

No doubt, children will take much of one's precious time – and let us remember that time spent in raising children is also time preciously spent. One who has given his or her life to Krishna, when there is unreserved atma-samarpana – "Ha Thakur! I am yours, and yours alone!" – has effectively transformed all of life's duties from worldly to divine. This we know as Krishna's samsara – it is no longer ours.

Now, we do also need to allocate time for acts known as svarupa-siddha-bhakti, or acts that are a direct devotional engagement by their nature, such as sravana, kirtana and smarana. How do we find the time for that? We find the time by ridding ourselves of so many of our precious anarthas: Watching movies, reading worldly literature, wasting our time with countless trivial pursuits. Re-priorize your life. Whatever the quantity of time you are able to invest in direct sadhana-activities, make that time stand out. Rather than wasting three hours in half-attentive hovering about, spend half an hour or one hour in sadhana with deep focus, entirely undistracted, giving your heart and soul to it.

Visuddha-bhajana is possible anywhere, and anytime – for those willing. When amidst obstructions, our passion for bhajana grows greater and greater, and our inner force of determination is nourished; but do not think of your children as something undesired! Whatever duties Thakur has integrated into your life, take them as his gifts and tend to them as you would to your other devotional deeds.

In concluding, let us hear the apt words of Bhaktivinoda, an exemplary sadhaka and a father to ten children, from his Gitavali:

sampade vipade, bhAi, bolo hari bolo
gRhe thAko, vane thAko, bolo hari bolo
kRSNera saMsAre thAki’ bolo hari bolo

"In success and failure, O brother, chant Hari, chant!
Staying home, or staying in the forest, chant Hari, chant!
Staying in Krishna's samsara, chant Hari, chant!"

* * * * * * *

Q: Is the following verse relevant in this context?

antare niSThA kara, bAhye loka-vyavahAra |
acirAt kRSNa tomAya karibe uddhAra || CC 2.16.239

[Prabhu said:] "Maintain strong faith internally and behave
outwardly as ordinary mortals. Then very soon, Krishna will uplift you."

A: Mahaprabhu's words (CC 2.16.239), cited earlier, were spoken to Raghunatha Das in a particular situation and are out of context here. Prabhu spoke of the befitting behavior and inner attitude in a situation where the conditions are adverse. With my post, I had hoped to demonstrate that the life of a householder is not necessarily an adverse situation one must strive to be soon delivered of. The life of a householder, just as the life of a renunciate, is only as beneficial or contrary as you make it be. An escape from householder life is not an escape from worldly desires – how many times have we witnessed the temporary nature of renunciation born of adversity?

Householder life can be a great asset, if you so will. Hear Kasyapa's words to Diti from the third canto of the Bhagavata (3.14.18-21):

sarvAzramAn upAdAya svAzrameNa kalatravAn |
vyasanArNavam atyeti jala-yAnair yathArNavam || 18
yAm Ahur Atmano hy ardhaM zreyas-kAmasya mAnini |
yasyAM sva-dhuram adhyasya pumAMz carati vijvaraH || 19
yAm AzrityendriyArAtIn durjayAn itarAzramaiH |
vayaM jayema helAbhir dasyUn durga-patir yathA || 20
na vayaM prabhavas tAM tvAm anukartuM gRhezvari |
apy AyuSA vA kArtsnyena ye cAnye guNa-gRdhnavaH || 21

"With the help of all the asramas, one with a wife, in his own asrama, may cross over the perilous waves of existence just as the ocean is crossed with boats."
"O esteemed one, she is said to be a half of the man, sharing in all that is auspicious and desired; sharing his burdens, a man leads a life without distress."
"Taking shelter of her, we can easily conquer the enemies of the senses, unlike those in other asramas, just as a fort-commander drives away the invaders."
"We are unable to return the favor to you, O queen of the household, even in our entire lifetime; not even they, who appreciate such qualities, can."

Especially, if the wife and the husband are both serious sadhakas, they can do a great deal to facilitate each others' devotional lives. The burden a renunciate would have to bear alone, the two can share, taking burden off each others' shoulders and paving a smooth way for fulfilling devotional engagement.

Contrary to "classical" gender roles seen in Indian societies, the male sadhaka will never consider himself to be the master and the enjoyer of the wife's services. Rather, he is a servant just as she is. She is a maidservant of Krishna, a dasi of Radha's - and you are dasa-dasanu-das. What right do you - or I - have, then, to demand or to expect favors of others? Of course, in a naturally affectionate relationship both are seeking opportunities to help the other, to facilitate the other's immersion in bhajana - but nothing ought to be taken for granted, lest we fall into a dark well of false egoism that devours our spirit of devotion.

Now, for such a dynamic to unfold in a manner that is truly fruitful, desires for enjoying the other in a mundane way will have to be forsaken. Alas, would not the mere thought of subjecting a maidservant of Radha and Krishna to our gross, bodily desires, be audacious! With this, we shall also have to reflect on abstinence in married life. But worry not, desires can be conquered! Bhakti is a most powerful force, causing wonders in those willing to receive and embrace this divine current in their hearts!

There is no obstacle too great for the sovereign goddess of bhakti to be conquered, for she is only nourished, defeating and subjugating each and every adversary – and there is truly no rival for her power in the three worlds. Let us seek a connection that taps us to the source of this divine force, and let us be committed with sincerity in sustaining this precious link – for having attained that, the great and the inaccessible shall be within an arm's length, and no attainment in the spiritual domain shall be beyond our reach.